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Tuesday, 28 September 2010

Shock rippled through Labour today as Edward Miliband made a shocking revelation in his first speech - he is reluctantly giving up the leadership of Labour to his sister Kelly Miliband, after their mother Marion stepped in, saying "The boys get all the attention and it isn't fair. Poor little Kellybelly doesn't even get a look in. It's disgraceful."

What makes the situation even more surprising is that sister Kelly is eighteen years old and has just completed her A-level studies in Media, Art and Health and Social at Bartleby Comprehensive For Girls Requiring Discipline (central London), having been expelled from her previous private school for 'fraternising' with boys from rival college Eton.

The new Labour leader is described as having a "slightly orange tint to her skin" and "shows evidence of looming obesity", reporters were told. She can generally be found at a Bargain Booze in the early evening, if voters wish to consult her in person (though the Miliband brothers have unanimously warned against such a radical course of action).

"When Ed said it was time for a new generation of Labour, this wasn't quite what we had in mind," complained a spokesperson for the party. "Young and fresh-faced is one thing. Young and looking like one ought to be on Jeremy Kyle is another."

Unfortunately for members, there is no legal reason why Ed Miliband cannot hand power to his sister.

"We were looking in the books for something along the lines of ''no passing the buck to candidates with less than six brain cells", confided Ed Balls in a private interview. "But there's nothing, which does at least explain how Mr Blair got away with choosing Gordon Brown a while back."

The event is believed to have reconciled the Milliband brothers at last, united by common enemies in their sister and now their mother. It is believed the two plan to defect to the Conservatives in an attempt to 'get back at their sister' - in traditional politician style.

However, so far, the new-new Labour leading lady has made no comment, beyond asking reporters if they "got one of them lighters mate"?

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