The United States intends to send troops into Heaven, in a move to prevent terrorists from operating there. Called Operation Free Heaven, the top-secret plan, conceived during the Bush administration but never carried out, is gaining momentum in high places.
"We are concerned that the subversive message of Jesus Christ could incite terrorists to attack our country," an anonymous source revealed. When asked if Christ Himself is considered a terrorist, our source replied "He will definitely be arrested and detained for questioning. Some of those statements in the Bible are very inflammatory, if you really read them. All that stuff about rich people and camels fitting through the eye of a needle - that's directed squarely at us."
Once Heaven is secure, the Apostle's Creed will be revised as follows:
"I believe in one country, the United States Almighty, Lord over heaven and earth.
I believe in her constitution, and all of its freedoms, especially the right to own a gun.
I believe in the right of her privileged people to consume whatever they wish - while the rest of the world struggles to survive.
I believe in the Holy Spirit of National Defense, seated at the right hand of every congressman. Together with the Tea Party, they will come again in glory to judge all those seeking public office.
I believe in the Holy Capitalist Church, the forgiveness of no one, the resurrection of racism, and might makes right - everlasting…