Written by Philip Wright
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Monday, 27 September 2010

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A distaster was narrowly avoided at the Oliver household after chef, Jamie, almost cooked his newborn baby by mistake.

"I thought he was a f***ing pizza!" Said Jamie Oliver, 35, he continued; "I've hardly got any sleep recently and I haven't been able to concentrate on anything..."

The new arrival was allegedly picked up and put in the microwave by his father after the TV chef became confused during food preparation.

Jamie's patient wife, Jules, recalled what happened; "I told him to throw something in the microwave for tea and then feed the baby... But he picked up the baby and suffered some kind of mental lapse- it happens quite often with him, actually... I noticed he had placed the newborn in the microwave and was trying to bottle feed a pizza."

Jules continued; "I noticed what he had done just in the knick of time and managed to remove the baby from danger... it was lucky really, 'cos he had set the microwave to fourteen minutes and I don't think any human would have come through that unharmed."

Social services have declined to comment, but it is believed they will not be getting involved as no serious incident occurred.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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