Written by Nick Hobbs
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Topics: Death, Fairy Tale

Monday, 27 September 2010

image for Horror: Jack Dies In Terrifying Fall.
A piece of Jack after the fall, yesterday.

Jack Smith, 860, died last night in a terrifying fall from his beanstalk.

The hero of the children's story had lived alone there ever since killing the Giant.

The adventurer rose to fame when he misguidedly swapped a cow for magic beans. His furious mother banished him to bed and famously threw the beans away.

After climbing the resultant beanstalk and stealing lots of artefacts from the Giant, Jack tried to win his girlfriends affection.

He then allegedly killed the Giant in a raged attack, and was found days later with blood stained hands. Jack was never convicted. He hired Johnnie Cochrane, of O.J Simpson fame, to handle the trial, and was found not guilty.

During the trial, the golden egg laying hen was mysteriously found roasted, on the day she was due to give evidence. Again Jack was cleared of any wrongdoing.

After the trial, Jack's relationship with the Counts daughter became strained due to alcholism, and they eventually split up.

It was originally thought that Jack had cut the beanstalk down to stop anyone from ever knowing where his riches were coming from, but it transpires this was not true. Jack moved into the lavish castle atop the beanstalk, and lived a reclusive life.

Sources say that he was haunted by ghosts of his past, and never truly got over the guilt of killing the Giant.

He was trimming hedges when the accident occurred. A memorial will be held at Lollipop Lane chapel.

In a shock move, Jacks family have asked for donations to 'Giants Care' in lieu of flowers. The charity, who care for retired Giants, were unavailable for comment. The family claim it is in no way an admission of guilt on Jack's part.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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