Written by Gabhan O'Buachalla
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Topics: Dentists, teeth

Sunday, 26 September 2010

image for News Anchor hospitalised, Dental Patients left gagging as Natural Amalgam scandal unfolds
Natural Amalgam Fillings have been used since 2005

Dr. Harry Monk, a dentist in Newcastle has become embroiled in a major NHS scandal.

Monk's Dental practice website states:

"Mercury fillings are unsightly, and there is anecdotal evidence mercury amalgam may be hazardous to health"

"At Monk Dental we offer a 100% natural amalgam fillings, that leaves teeth shining white using safe, organic and naturally sustainable ingredients"

In 2002 Monk Dental received a £500k research grant under the government's 'Green Fund' to develop environmentally friendly amalgam to replace mercury fillings which were costing the NHS millions every year to dispose in treated landfill.

In 2005 the British Dental Association approved the Natural Amalgam and patients have been recieving the natural fillings since.

The scandal unfolded when Milly LaRoe a pole-dancer noticed one of her front teeth glowed in the dark under the U.V light in her club

"I was doing an inverted pole slip move, and noticed my tooth glow in the mirror, when it reflected the club lights, it looked quiet odd. I had the filling put in my left upper incisor that afternoon. There was a funny taste in my mouth all evening, it kinda tasted like semen, but I paid no notice as I was pleasuring my boyfriend in the morning to take my mind off going to the dentist"

When another dentist investigated her tooth, he discovered the filling had broken its seal, and the dental hygenist helped the dentist confirm the substance leaking from the filling was indeed semen.

When Dr. Monk was consulted he said his Dental Nurse must have failed to dry the sealant with the infra-red light to bond it correctly to the tooth. Dr. Monk said the use of semen was approved by the NHS, he assured us that he made the amalgam himself and there was no health risks as the protein contained in the semen denatured and was amalgamated to the composite filling compound.

The British dental association backed up Dr. Monk saying Natural Amalgam is safe and Ms. LaRoe's incident was the result of a minor mistake in application.

But the scandal spiraled out of control last night when a TV news anchor vomited on live TV upon reading the story.

The TV feed was cut but a floor staff source told us what followed.

"He just started punching himself in the mouth knocking several teeth out, and muttering inconsolably through vomit and blood"

'I've had another man's spunk in my mouth for 4 years'

He is now on leave but his lawyers have made this statement:

"We will be taking legal action against Dr. Monk, the NHS and the British Dental Association. Our client has lost his shiny white teeth, vital to a news reader and has been traumatised by the dental treatment he received. He may never be able to work as a news anchor again as a result of this dental malpractice"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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