Written by Elizabeth
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Topics: Gambling, Pensioners

Thursday, 19 May 2005

image for Fair Deal for Gambling Grannies
Matron's winning hand yesterday

Old aged pensioners in residential homes have raised the ongoing issues regarding crooked gambling activities. What had started off as innocent games of Snap, Old Maid and Happy Families has now become a source of illegal income within the private care sector.

"We've been setting up recreational card schools for years," said a sad old geezer as he tried to distinguish between a heart and a diamond. "We believe that some of the dealers are using underhand methods to scam the more vulnerable residents, especially those with impaired vision and early onset dementia. It's no wonder Matron is always winning!"

Suspicions arose when Paul Daniels was carrying out a tour of nursing homes as a guest dealer.

"We first thought something was fishy when he insisted on using his own deck of cards with no black jacks in it," said an old gent who had fought in 2 World Wars. "When one old lady complained he said he'd cut her in half and that she'd like it….. but not a lot!"

In line with the Labour government's election promise to relax gaming laws and legalise Vegas-style casinos, Tony Blair has introduced a plan to name and shame persistent cheats.

"Residents will now be able to select and cut a deck of cards. Dealers will be required to have their sleeves rolled up and to keep their hands visible at all times," announced the newly appointed Minister of Games for the Elderly, Paul McKenna MP.

"We don't see this as a big concern," stated a gambler from Gamblers Anonymous who wished to remain anonymous. "These people are so old that any addiction to gambling at their age will only last a couple of years max."

The owner of a care home was disappointed in Blair's new anti-cheat strategy. "What these old fogeys pay in fees barely covers the cost of their corn pads and haemorrhoid creme. Anyway, they have so much money it's burning a hole in their pockets. The gaming tables are just a way for us to get a few more quid of them," he ranted, before roaring off in his new Bentley convertible.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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