Leaked documents from the Department of Education have revealed that a secret trial has taken place, in which teachers have been issued with Tasers at a top private school.
The Principal of Nowhere College, Mr George Whacker, said that he had agreed to conduct the trial, in an attempt to better instill discipline and respect into the college's pupils.
"We have become concerned that traditional methods, such as detentions, writing lines, suspensions, canings and the cat o'nine tails are no longer effective. The last time I caned a boy, he pulled his trousers up, looked me in the eye and said "Is that all you've fucking got?" Clearly, we need something more"
Mr Whacker described how all teaching staff have received specialist training in the use of the Taser, which delivers a 50,000 volt electric shock. The college has also developed a policy for the deployment of the Taser, outlining that its use is only acceptable in extreme circumstances. This includes being late for assembly, forgetting one's sports kit, talking in class and handing in sub-standard homework assignments.
Initial results are looking promising. Mr Whacker reported that, during the first fortnight of the trial, teachers only deployed the Taser on 497 occasions, with only one fatality and several pupils going into cardiac asystole. In these cases, the Tasers were switched to defibrillator mode, sparing the pupils certain death. One pupil who had been Tasered, Jimmy Brighteyes, said, "The only complaint I have is that the Taser fried me fucking iPod".
It is understood that similar trials are being rolled out in a select few state schools. However, in these schools, teachers are being issued with M-32 riot guns, which fire 40mm rubber bullets.
Cardinal Sheamus O'Leary, who is the head of Catholic Education UK, said that he was disturbed by these developments. He did, however, offer parents his reassurance that no such plans existed for the country's Catholic schools.
"We stand by our tried and tested methods. The threat of a one hour, one to one, supervised detention with a Catholic father or a Marist brother is still enough to strike fear into the most rebellious pupil. Nobody wants to fuck with them".