Written by Byng
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Topics: Delia Smith

Saturday, 25 September 2010

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'Grubby uncle totty' Delia Smith is to spend 10 days wandering the streets of Norwich in nothing but a Waitrose fishmongers hat.

Police were summoned late last night after a distress call from a W.I. meeting. Members of the Huntingdon and Peterborough Womens Institute (a.k.a. the H.P. Skull Krush Skanks) made the 999 call after Mrs Smith crashed her moped through the church hall window during their weekly battle rap recital.

W.I. troop leader Mrs Hunts (a.k.a. Pimp Hunter) described Mrs Smith as "bein reet off her datty tits". Mrs Hunts added "dat Smiff byatch betta watch 'er bak yeah cos she smashed fru the original Willement Victorian stained glass window".

After a two hour battle with eight armed police and four police dogs, a coked up, rabid Mrs Smith was eventually taken down and restrained. One police dog, who requested to remain anonymous, suggested that bloodied effigies of Heston Blumenthal were used to lure the beast, and a high dose of ketamine was necessary to keep her from "making awful sexual gestures".

Within hours of the event, Prince Harry delivered the punishment at gunpoint to David Cameron, which orderd Mrs Smith to walk through the Streets of Norwich completely naked, with just her head covered by a sanitary hair net and compulsory waitrose butcher or fishmonger hat. Harry later told the press that the punishment was mostly for his sexual amusement, and that "... like I am King Harry right, and literally I can do basically what I like because... you know... my mum is the lord of the world or something." Harry continued rambling in incomprehensible tiddly-wonk chit-chat until everyone left him alone.

In a statement given by Mrs Smith some time during brunch, she said, "to be fair I had had 8 vodka cokes, 4 archers aqua, then barry was buyin me shots, and i fink i ate some drugs and thaat, and I don't know wat else cos next fing I know I'm like half way down the A47, and like I'm not bein funny right, but thas your opanion and you-entileted to yar opanion so... like... yeah."

Mrs Smith waddled off naked down norwich high street in nothing but a waitrose hat, even though her punishment won't start for another two weeks.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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