The rumour is outrageous but it could possibly be true. That's what Top tories are saying tonight. The word round the House of Commons has it that a terrible deception has been carried out, and the Tory dogs of political war want the world to know about it.
The deception is so astounding, and has been running now for so many years that Tories believe that, even if they reveal the truth to the world, there is still a chance that no one will believe their story. But here it is. The fantastical truth is:
There is only one Miliband brother. His name is Ed. He's a caring sharing Marxist, and the other one doesn't exist.
The other brother (David) is a creation straight from the very ingenious collective marxist minds of an alliance of old labour Comrades, which included Sir Michael Foot, "Red Ken" Livingstone and George Galloway.
They decided years ago, just after Tony Blair got elected on his dodgy new labour policies, that they wanted a proper labour leader at the top again and Ed was chosen to be their man for the future. They decided to play a very long game indeed, in order to get one of their chosen candidates back to the heights of lefty power once again. Together, along with several other old school labour purists, they set up a secret organisation called "Marxists united can obtain The Top Cat Job" society. They decided to do this by pretending there were two Milliband brothers instead of just the one.
The start of this deception could very well date back as far as 1999. Since then, they have all been helping Ed carry out an elaborate charade that has involved several different hairstyles, two different coloured ties, and a set of comedy teeth. Since the sad demise of Michael Foot; Ken, Ed and George have had to carry on alone but have still done a very good job at bringing the deception into the 21st Century.
They have used complicated projection equipment in order to create optical illusions that make it look as if the two brothers are in the same room at the same time, and they have also used voice distortion techniques to make them sound a bit different from each other.
This plan was working very well until disaster struck during a leadership debate competition just two weeks ago. One of the hi-tech projectors became a bit flickery and the image of David Milliband disappeared for a whole 2 seconds. Anyone with normal eye sight would not have noticed the momentary disappearance, but sharp eyed Michael Heseltine(arch enemy of Michael Foot and Red Ken) was on the case within seconds. He sent out his henchman in search of the projector and when he found it, Michael was very cross indeed.
He quickly realised what had been going on all these years. By pretending to be two people all at the same time, Ed had been chasing twice as many votes. The aim was to collect both old labour votes and new labour votes by convincing labour insiders that they each represented differing sides of the political spectrum. By doing this Ed had gained an unfair advantage over all the other (less politically threatening to the Tories) candidates.
Michael Heseltine is rumoured to have raged. "This is an outrageous deception of the most scurrilous kind. This is an act of Marxism not seen since the Miners strikes. Red Ken is going to pay for this one."
But unless he can prove that Ed and David are both one and the same person, Ed and only Ed will be announced as winner of the Labour leadership race on Saturday, at the Labour Party Conference. This will be the case even if David wins. Because David is Ed, and Ed is David. But either way, the minute Ed becomes leader (whether in his own right or disguised as his fictional brother David) he will still revert to being a lovely Marxist. He will then work very hard to try to convince the country that a little bit of Marxist kindness and sharing are way better than all that nasty capitalism. And we'll all live happily ever after.