Written by Sidney Bollocks
Print this
Topics: Titanic

Thursday, 23 September 2010

image for The truth behind the sinking of the Titanic
Anybody for a G&T?

Claims made in a new book have, finally, shed light on the sequence of events which lead to the loss of the Titanic and 1,517 souls.

The book, 'Port, You Dozey Fucker, Port: The Loss Of The Titanic', reveals secrets which have remained buried for almost 100 years and which have prevented the finger of blame being pointed.

The granddaughter of the Titanic's Fifth Officer, Bertie Cumpuddle, has revealed that the iceberg, which sank the Titanic, was actually spotted in sufficient time to steer an alternative course. However, when the order was given, the helmsman, Norbert Fuckstick, steered the ship in the opposite direction, because he did not know his port from his starboard, taking it perilously close to the iceberg. At this time, evasive action could still have been taken, if it were not for the ship's catering manager, Gordon Fucking-Ramseed, realising that the bar's ice buckets were almost empty and insisting that more ice be taken onboard.

What followed is a matter of historical fact. More people would have survived, if there had been a lifeboat space for each passenger; but, in 1912, this was not required. The fact that 1st and 2nd class passengers were given priority ensured that the social and moral fabric of society was maintained. It didn't seem to matter how many of the lower classes died.

Many safety changes followed the loss of the Titanic, but, if all lessons have been learned, why the fuck do airline companies still provide us with lifejackets and not parachutes?

Make Sidney Bollocks's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 1 plus 2?

8 11 3 15
45 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more