Shocking new figures reveal that almost 1.4 million Brits have never done an honest day's work in their lives. The report, which was released by the Ministry for Welfare Payments and the Workshy, is a damning indictment of the lifestyle choices many people are making.
Brenda Portly-Slag, 17, of Basildon in Essex, said "'Ere, mister, the minimum wage is only fuckin' 3 quid summat an hour. I don't need to work, I've got 15 kids to 27 different fathers. I can make nearly 40 grand a year when you add up all me benefits (which she can't do because she received no formal education). The minimum wage don't even buy a packet of fags, let alone some Durex".
Of the 1.4 million occupational virgins, it is thought that 1,399,350 are concentrated in parts of Essex, Birmingham, Liverpool and Manchester. The remaining 650 are believed to be elected members of parliament, who each claims around half a million quid a year in benefits, allowances, non-existent mortgage payments and porn flick rental charges.
The Minister for Welfare Payments and the Workshy, Mick Fuck-All-Use, said "I have no comment to make, as my speech writer didn't show up to work today".