A vagrant at The Geoffrey Rush Shine Centre for the Incurable Displaced has astounded his care workers by revealing himself as a musical prodigy. The voiceless hobo, who wishes to remain anonymous, was found wandering dazed, confused and soaked to the skin on a beach in Kent, some 50 miles from France.
"At first we thought he may have been a merman," said one of the police officers who found him. "However, as his legs didn't turn into a fish's tail when we threw him back into the water, we realised we were dealing with a psychologically disturbed individual, so we handed him in at the loony bin."
"We haven't been able to get a peep out of him since he was dumped here 6 weeks ago," said Matron, Mrs. Hattie Jakes. "So we gave him some artists' materials to encourage him to communicate by alternative means, but he just kept drawing pictures of naked women so we had to take his felt tips off him."
The breakthrough came, however, when the taciturn tramp sat at a Hammond electric organ in the day room and started to play Chopin's Daylight Sonata in K major.
"It was un-bloody-believable," said activities co-ordinator Andrew Preview. "One minute he was swaying back and forth in the corner, the next he was belting out Mozart's Eventide Cantata in J flat. I could hardly believe my ears! It was as if the late, great Les Dawson himself was playing."
Staff at the centre have had no success in finding the displaced mute's family. "After a few days, we put posters up all round the area, but had no luck," said the Centre's Director of Public Communications. "Last week we took a new approach by including his picture and offering a reward, but still nothing. We are hoping that publishing his story and photograph in the national press will give us more hope of someone claiming him, seeing as the Lost Persons Association wouldn't take him off our hands."
Ron Mael, Inspector Blakey look-alike and keyboard player with 1970's rock duo Sparks was unavailable for comment, but then again he never says much anyway.