Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 21 September 2010

image for Wooden bicycle sets land speed record
I can't stop!

Dyna Moe, an inventor from Lincoln set a new land speed record this morning on a completely wooden bicycle. The frame, chain, seat, wheels and pedals were completely constructed from wood.

"The initial idea was to set a land speed record for wooden bicycles," said Moe, 38. "However, a set of fortuitous circumstances meant that we actually beat the jet powered cars at their own game."

With no current record for the world's fastest one hundred percent wooden bicycle, just getting the thing moving set that particularly record. It was thought that the biggest hurdle facing Moe was splinters on the seat, but a fine grained sandpaper solved that one.

Pedalling was hard work, as making gears out of wood was not practical, instead, they went to the top of a hill, although this meant travelling to Gloucester as there are no hills in Lincolnshire, and riding down hill. The hill chosen was the one normally used for the annual Cheese Chase as popularised on television every time it happens due to its suicidal nature.

It was here that the world land speed record was broken.

"I couldn't stop," Moe said. "I'd not been able to work out how to make a breaking system out of wood, so I'd expected to be stopped by the bouncy castle we'd inflated at the bottom of the hill."

Instead the barking mad bike hurtled down the hill, wobbled, missed the bouncy castle, smashed through a fence, got caught up on a roundabout in a nearby children's park, gained momentum in a sling shot manoeuvre, was sent flying down another hill just as RAF Cumbria were doing low flying testing. Moe's hair was caught in the flaps and she was dragged three miles before eventually working loose and coming to a rest in a river after a timed mile of a shade over seven hundred miles an hour.

The Book of Records is proud to give Dyna Moe the fastest wooden bicycle record, as well as the fastest human powered vehicle, fastest woman and the overall land speed record. As she travelled quite some distance over the water, she's broken those records too.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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