Written by Noddy Bigears
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Topics: Family, rolf harris

Monday, 16 May 2005

Rolf Harris, an ex-Australian convict who learnt to body paint whilst doing time down under has been commissioned to body paint the Queen and other members of the Royal Family. The monarch, who has been painted by more than 120 artists in her life, is expected to reveal the complete painting to close friends and family during her 80th birthday party at Buckingham Palace.


Rolf is equally famous for his live television show, Animal Hospital, when vets fight to save badly injured animals during the 60 minutes of the show. The BBC has denied allegations that the injured animals are actually prepared on the day of the show claiming that "it is an absurd conception that such action would be taken to peak viewing ratings and that all the animals are available simply because of bad driving conditions in and around the television studio."


However, media experts all agree on one point, as pointed out by comic strip hero, Billy Bunting, "It's a huge coup for the BBC to be able to show live Rolf painting such a great supporter of the arts, the Queen." Ratings for the live event are expect to exceed all expectations despite the screening being after 9 pm to protect young innocent viewers. An ITV spokesman has confirmed that ITV has complained to the British Broadcasting Services saying "this is a totally unfair coup for the BBC and as a live public event all broadcasters should have access to the coverage." He continued, "Worst still, the BBC are screening a live Animal Hospital Special from 6 pm to 9 pm when the vets operate on and save kangaroos knocked down by monster trucks, the kangaroos are being specially flown in from Australia for the event from Rolf's private kangaroo farm down under."


Animal activists have been protesting outside the BBC headquarters in anticipation that the live screening of the body painting show would upset numerous domestic animals. They claim that domestic animals would suffer extreme trauma, unhappiness and possibly permanent depression if exposed to the live show. Their spokesman, Peter Rabbit, confirmed his fears claiming "Domestic animals are very sensitive and we need to avoid their exposure to unpleasant media events, it is important that there is new legislation to protect domestic animals from this sort of systematic abuse."

However, the BBC was triumphant claiming "this is brilliant family comedy, not only will Rolf paint the Queen live at peak time viewing, he will sing 'Tie Me Kangaroo Down' whilst performing the painting accompanied by other members of the Royal family playing the wobble board and didgeridoos." The song ‘Tie Me Kangaroo Down' was Rolf's first hit single which is about his Australian childhood hobby of leaving a trussed kangaroo in the busy highways of Melbourne. Animal activists believe that this may have been his original inspiration for the live television show ‘Animal Hospital'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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