Liverpool - (Gonads): "Print that loada rubbish and they'll have yer guts for garters," Liverpool gynaecologist - er...geneaologist! - Rodney Blaggard said today.
"Lesser slurs than that started the Toxteth Riots and that was before Roo or his Missus were even born."
At the heart of the latest nonsense is a story alleging little Rosie McCoughlin, Coleen Rooney's adopted sister, is really her secret baby daughter.
A disastrous liaison 'circa age 12' saw Coleen conceive and bear a little girl whose hasty adoption was supposed to have put an end to all that postpartum nonsense.
"Of course, Wayne's known about it all along," McLoughlin neighbor Ada Sparrow chuckled today.
"He might be in the doghouse in his own back yard. But there's 'mitigating circumstances', see. No wonder about all them those nuptial offside antics."
McLoughlin household cleaning lady Mr Moira Gibber agrees:
"There's this family omerta going on, about the baby like, and who the father might be.
"Clever move for Coleen's parents to foster and then adopt the child, like nothin's happened, ever, in the past."
This weekend Coleen hotfooted it to Lourdes in France where pilgrims often beseech Our Lady for a healing miracle about a loved one.
The Man U striker's wife spent time praying and lighting votive candles amid a raft of UK newspaper stories about little Rosie's latest health scare.
The Pope meanwhile returned home after hearing Salford hooker Jennifer Thompson's lurid confession about screwing Rooney in a threesome.
"The Holy Father doesn't have many perks of the job," a church source said, "this one may have been an exception."