In a major embarrassment for the Ministry of Defence, the new head of the British Army, General Sir Baldrick Brick-Shithouse, has been forced to purchase a new XXXXL uniform, due to the ever increasing size of his girth; and this comes only days after he ordered tough new fitness standards for regular soldiers. The General's new uniform is estimated to have cost the same as a main battle tank, and to have taken 2000 chinese sweatshop workers several days to complete.
General Brick-Shithouse, who stands 5'2" tall and weighs in at 42 stone, is a popular commander and is affectionately known by his men as 'Shitty'. In a recent interview with the Pacifist's Monthly journal, he said "I don't know what all the fuss is about. In my role as Chief of the General Staff, the only place I occasionally have to run to is the toilet, and that's only when my driver is on a tea break. My physical shape in no way affects my ability to do my job".
The General is renowned for his appetite and his ability to wash down a meal with copious amounts of alcohol. A typical supper starts with a double portion of fish and chips, followed by six large doner kebabs, washed down with a crate of Newcastle Brown Ale, a couple of bottles of Port, a bottle of Creme de Menthe, half a dozen King Edward cigars and finished off with a wafer thin mint.
When asked if he thought he was a good role model to his troops, the General was unable to reply, as he had died suddenly from coronary heart disease.
General Sir Baldrick Brick-Shithouse will be buried with full military honours. His coffin, which was previously a P&O shipping container, will be interred at a Surrey County Council landfill site, just down the road from his beloved Sandhurst Military Academy.