Written by Sidney Bollocks
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: Obesity, Fat, Army

Sunday, 19 September 2010

image for General 'Six Kebabs' suffers embarrassment of needing a new XXXXL uniform
One hazard of a poor diet.

In a major embarrassment for the Ministry of Defence, the new head of the British Army, General Sir Baldrick Brick-Shithouse, has been forced to purchase a new XXXXL uniform, due to the ever increasing size of his girth; and this comes only days after he ordered tough new fitness standards for regular soldiers. The General's new uniform is estimated to have cost the same as a main battle tank, and to have taken 2000 chinese sweatshop workers several days to complete.

General Brick-Shithouse, who stands 5'2" tall and weighs in at 42 stone, is a popular commander and is affectionately known by his men as 'Shitty'. In a recent interview with the Pacifist's Monthly journal, he said "I don't know what all the fuss is about. In my role as Chief of the General Staff, the only place I occasionally have to run to is the toilet, and that's only when my driver is on a tea break. My physical shape in no way affects my ability to do my job".

The General is renowned for his appetite and his ability to wash down a meal with copious amounts of alcohol. A typical supper starts with a double portion of fish and chips, followed by six large doner kebabs, washed down with a crate of Newcastle Brown Ale, a couple of bottles of Port, a bottle of Creme de Menthe, half a dozen King Edward cigars and finished off with a wafer thin mint.

When asked if he thought he was a good role model to his troops, the General was unable to reply, as he had died suddenly from coronary heart disease.

General Sir Baldrick Brick-Shithouse will be buried with full military honours. His coffin, which was previously a P&O shipping container, will be interred at a Surrey County Council landfill site, just down the road from his beloved Sandhurst Military Academy.

Make Sidney Bollocks's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 3 multiplied by 2?

7 10 21 6
56 readers are online right now!

Go to top