Written by Sidney Bollocks
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Topics: Big Brother

Saturday, 18 September 2010

image for 'Big Brother' state: Citizens urged to grass each other up.
Who is watching you?

In an alarming extension of the 'Big Brother' state, citizens are now being asked to spy on each other and report family, friends, neighbours and members of the general public to the appropriate authorities.

What began with motorists being asked to report cases of 'inconsiderate driving' or 'driving with excessive noise', has now spread to people being reported for not parking straight, being in possession of fluffy dice and having too many soft toys on their rear shelf. All such reports are logged with the Police National Computer, DVLA, MI5 and MI6.

Albert Dangleberry from Tottenham said he was at his wits end. "I couldn't believe it when I had a knock on the door from a Police Officer. He told me they had received a complaint that I drove a crap car. My Daewoo Matis is a good reliable little car. What is wrong with it?"

Other types of complaints are also being made to local councils. One resident received a warning letter because they had not mown their lawn, the flower beds had too many weeds and their dog was shitting in their own garden.

Camelia Camembert, from Ditchling in West Sussex, however, said that she was in favour of just such a regime. She said, "I am sick to death of chasing my eldest son to do things. I reported him to the Environmental Health Department because of the state of his bedroom and the fact that he keeps leaving floaters in the lavatory. He has since been fined a few hundred pounds and is subject to regular DoE audits".

Whilst Bob Gobshite from Tooting said, "I dunno what the fuck you're talking about. I have two wrecked cars in my front garden, a steady stream of drug addicts coming to the house to buy their gear, my dogs bark 24 hours a day and when the lav is blocked, I take a shit in the back yard. Nobody has ever complained about me, but then I'd smash the fuck out of them if they did".

Liverpool City Coucil said it had received one complaint about a Toxteth resident, who was accused by neighbours of being too middle class.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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