Major Boris Johnson appealed for calm last night as a group of street cleaners were caught allegedly attempting to assassinate the Pope.
"Street cleaning is an occupation of peace, in fact it literally means peace" said a sweaty BoJo as he stressed the importance of street cleaning on the history of the West "In fact the founder of street cleaning, Mo Hammed, was possibly the most peaceful man who ever lived. Despite killing a few people."
This contradicted an earlier statement by Brian Paddock which read "I know of no connection between street cleaning and terrorism."
The Street Cleaning Council of Britain was swift to issue a statement warning of an impending outbreak of Street cleanerophobia. It read:
"Let it be said that this is a small minority and that most street cleaners make an enormous contribution to the streets of Britain.
However, we can all understand the frustration of our brothers due to horrid Western decadent practise of dropping litter where it should not be."