LONDON, UK - Anti-terrorism police arrested six men on Friday on suspicion of preparing an attack on the Pope.
Police moved quickly to make the pre-dawn arrests of five men in central London where the pontiff later spoke:
Thank you for your gracious invitation to make an official visit to the United Kingdom and for your warm words of greeting on behalf of the British people. In thanking Your Majesty, allow me to extend my own greetings to all the people of the United Kingdom and to hold out a hand of friendship to each one, except those six Islamo-fascists who tried to whack me off.
As you know, these towel-heads from Algeria dressed as street-cleaners in order to assassinate my holy arse. I foiled them by acting as a male-prostitute and ingesting Rohypnol. When they attempted to take advantage of me, my 12-year-old Acolyte companion whacked them with my holy chalice.