This week, the Pope has visited Ibrox Park in Glasgow as part of his tour of the UK. It is said that the Pope would visit Ibrox (home of the Protestant Glasgow Rangers football club) when hell freezes over. However, Celtic Park was unavailable due to a prior engagement - a Rod Stewart charity concert. It is thought the concert has raised £10,000 for Rod Stewart.
The Pontiff had to preach to a largely Protestant football crowd, ahead of an Old Firm match between the sectarian football rivals. His speech is said to have gone well, said a spokesman, given that he is still alive.
Later the Pope will visit London to accept Henry VIII's descendants' apology for leaving the Catholic church. Mr Nigel Viii of Surbiton has recently converted to Catholicism and claims to be a direct descendant of the chicken-loving king. He will receive the Pope in his two-bedroom apartment which he shares with his gay lover, Herbert.
While he is in London, the Pope will also open an abortion clinic in Tooting.