A request to Britain's Immigration authorities for Pope Benedict to live in the UK has been turned down. An official from the Authority told stunned reporters that due to the Pope's difficulty with speaking English he could not be allowed to reside here.
Plans to move the Vatican to Birmingham have been put on hold as the Pope goes to the Appeal Court to have the decision overturned.
'We shall go to the European Court of Human Rights to sort this out' said an angry spokesman for the Pope 'and if that is not successful the Pope will take a crash course in improving his English.'
Worried Church dignitaries straining to understand more than two words of the Pope's statements fear they may have missed some vital announcement.
Peter Tatchell is sure he heard the Pope say that condoms will be issued to all who want them with the Vatican footing the Bill. Richard Dawkins is quite certain he is not deluded in believing he heard the Pope explain that Women would be considered for the position of the next Pope. Stephen Fry is glad to have heard the Pope explain that everyone should follow there own sexual inclinations within the law - even priests would be covered by this injunction.
It is thought these prominent secularists might be disappointed if the Pope improves his English enough to be understood by everyone. Recordings of his statements are being carefully studied by theologians to discover the wise Pontiff's actual words.