The Top Notch Eton Royal Academy of Cheating is being repainted in a drive to create a much broader appeal to better potential candidates. Exam grades have been suffering badly in the last few years as teaching standards have clearly fallen through the floor. Eton headmaster, Anthony Little-Cheat, criticised previous staff claiming that "they were clearly not worth the job" but added, "we need also more highly talented pupils that would normally only opt for a well qualified state school in their local catchment area."
An investigation by exam board Edexcel found evidence of malpractice and cheating in the academy effectively suspending its license to hold exams in cheating until future notice. A spokeswoman for Edexcel announced to the press "Unfortunately, there was evidence of cheating everywhere including copies of tapes found during examinations. Most were hardly worth even an E grade in an AS level grade cheating paper." She continued "the school needs to broaden its appeal to catch more born natural cheaters and scallywags."
The best performing candidates from the Top Notch Eton Royal Academy of Cheating are guaranteed places in the Government Offices, military posts and of course, the very best get places in the financial services in the City, especially prized are executive positions at Equitable Life managing the pension funds of the masses but only the very selected few hit the insurance cheating mark required for Lloyds of London. Eton has had amazingly successful cheats in the past including Prince Charles, Tony Blair and Maxwell, the newspaper magnate. Their respective cheating achievements included adultery for decades, political lies for several terms of Government and Maxwell, the most successful ever, successfully raiding the entire contents of the Plc pension fund and disappearing into the North Sea for ever.
However, the Eton headmaster, Anthony Little-Cheat, has promised to reverse the recent declines by appointing the UK's absolute best expert cheating teacher, Mr What-a-Burke-Cheated who has declared "the gloves are off now, I can protect the future reputation of Eton cheating" and he explained "Eton has suffered for years as it has been considered a dumping ground for very privileged no hopers in cheating although ironically it was originally a monastic school for the very poor in cheating." Continuing, he said "of course, this was an excellent cheat as the charitable funds were then used for those that had no need of them and this is the level that we must return to if Eton will be considered to be the trump of cheating again."
The redecoration of the entire façade is being undertaken by the outstandingly excellent but little known artist and painter, Prince Harry of Gotcaught from the famous Sandhurst College of Painting & Decorating. It is hoped that this new painting will be symbolic in attracting better candidates to the Top Notch Eton Royal Academy of Cheating.