From our Farmer's Weekly undercover reporter in Rome - Whilst Pope Ratshitter has criticised the moral and religious decline of Britain, and our inability to resist the daily temptations of pornography, alcohol, drugs, sex and rock 'n'roll, there are more ominous developments taking place in the Vatican.
Frustrated at their inability to halt this slide into rampant secularism by using the traditional methods of church masses, bible study classes and church fetes, the Vatican has decided on a course of action not seen since Ratshitter was a member of the Hitler Youth.
A huge army of jackbooted Vatican Storm Fathers is being assembled throughout Europe and is heading towards Calais. Their plan is to invade Britain and install a Papist dictatorship. However, their plan has been thwarted by the fact that cross channel ferries are fully booked, and the Channel Tunnel has been shutdown after several thousand asylum seekers breached the perimeter fences and are now heading to Britain to claim their free housing and a raft of other welfare benefits.
However, not to be outdone in his moment of glory, Ratshitter declared, "We don't need the ferries or the tunnel. Our mission is a divine one and God is our commander. We will simply walk across the English Channel".
In response to this dire threat, the Anglican Church is rounding up all Catholics, who will be interned in under utilised Butlins Holiday Camps; although legal experts have warned that this may constitute a breach of the Geneva Convention on the humane treatment of prisoners of war.
Additionally, a multi-denomination army is being assembled to fight the Papist bastards on the beaches. First in the line of defence will be the Jehovah's Witnesses and Seventh Day Adventists, in the hope that they will be able to bore the marauding Vatican Storm Fathers shitless.
Should this fail, the Baptists, Pentecostals and Methodists will take the field and overcome the invaders with their happy-clappy singing.
Should the Papist aggressors reach London, the massed divisions of the Anglican Church, ably supported by the firms from Chelsea, West Ham, Tottenham and Millwall football clubs will lie in wait for them. For additional protection, Buckingham Palace and the Houses of Parliament will be surrounded by two divisions of the Salvation Army, who will pelt the invaders with tamborines and collect all their spare euros.
It is understood that a special forces role will be undertaken by agnostics and atheists, with the welcome offer of a squadron of suicide bombers from the Finsbury Park Mosque.
At the end of hostilities, it is likely that Ratshitter will be tried by the General Synod of the Church of England. If found guilty, he will face a life sentence with hard hymn singing and bellringing.
More to follow when our reporter has finished milking his cows.