Scotland - (Prenup Mess): With a grim-faced Duke of Edinburgh looking daggers there is clearly zero chance of any Wayne Rooney-style threesome shenanigans this weekend.
"Besides," papal wet nurse Msgr Gangswine explained, "the Pope is pooped. Mile High Vatican Airways can play havoc with a colostomy."
Instead, the Pope will meet some of his grown up children - Gorgon Brown and Susan Boyle - by the Queen and hear Confession from some very naughty altar boys from The Gorbals.
Later today he will fly to London where a very cross Mrs Thatcher has taken out an injunction against anyone naming murderer Peter Tobin as her firstborn by Papa Ratzi.
At Heathrow Airport security staff have been banned from frisking the aged octogenarian despite a wealth of alleged contraband lurking under the pontifical cassock.
"Last time we had that previous Pope here it was like Xmas!" Heathrow head of Security said today.
"A strip search of the Holy Farter yielded a dozen AK-47s, two kilos of coke, $5 million in small bills and enough nuclear warheads to sink the Isle of Wight."
Jennifer Thompson is 21.