Reading Police are cock-a-hoop over the arrest of the two notorious Directors of "Sperm-U-Like," a long running Internet scam aimed at desperate, childless couples.
Clients paid £380 to join, choosing potential fathers from a list of anonymous sperm donors using details like height, eye colour and ethnicity. A further charge of £1,500 per half pint of sperm was then sent to their home before delivery by DHL courier.
Little did punters know that the two bogus directors, Ricky 'the piston' Gage,48 and Nigel 'jackhammer' Woodforth, 42 were a couple of much sort-after felons, and well known to Reading Police as a couple of right wankers!
A spokesperson for Reading police, closet transvestite Ms Wun Hung Lo, takes up the story: "R so, money splinning scam was litrally 'dirlected' flom a one bledroomed flat over the "Kama Sutra Tandoori" in Reading High Sleet. Here, both Gage and Woodforth would splend each and everly day, flom 8am-6pm, 'ripping the head' off their resplective applendages and filling an endless supply of half plint empty milko bottles with their slemen, velly clevor cookie boys!"
Our reporter further discovered that in order to maintain the necessary unending flow of semen Gage and Woodforth had set up a 50 inch flatscreen TV in the flat screening non-stop porno movies. Furthermore, as a back up-in case of power cuts-they had twenty crates of Viagra tablets and a collection of dog-eared Playboy magazines at hand!
To minimize fatigue, Gage, who had once been an orderly at Broadmoor, put them both on a steady Glucose drip from 8am-6pm and a never-ending supply of 'Holland & Barrett' vitamin pills in order to meet growing demand.
Every Friday at 6pm, the two men would place the week long supply outside the restaurant in 20 old milk crates in readiness for the DHL courier, each bottle duly labelled to resemble gold top full cream milk to allay suspicion.
However, their scam came unstuck when alcoholic spinster, Ms Felicity Ringpiece, 89, who lived next door above the "Peking Flying Duck" chinese takeaway, ran out of milk for her pussy, Hugo!
Stumbling out of her flat pissed as a coot at 6.05pm she spotted the 'milk crates' and decided to 'borrow' a bottle to see her over. Later that same evening, after discovering that her precious pussy had seemingly lapse into a coma on the kitchen floor she rushed him to the local vets.
Noting that the cat was more than a little stiff and that it's breath resembled that of a Bolivian gaucho in full flight, the vet, Doctor Hanus, asked Ms Ringpiece what she had been feeding the cat prior to it's current condition. "Oh dear" she replied, "it was naughty of me but I did give my dear pussy a saucerful of double gold top milk for a treat earlier on?
Immediately pumping the cats stomach contents into his Costa Coffee, Dr Hanus ran a few tests, what he discovered shocked him to the marrow. "It would seem that your 'milk' is viagra laced semen Ms Ringpiece and as such highly potent indeed, especially to pussies! Therefore, I am duty bound to report my findings to the Health Authorities ASAP!"
Within days the flat was staked out by the Police, Health Authority Officials and a coachload of ugly virgins from Southall on a mystery tour.
By week's end, both Gage and Woodforth were captured on camera and their dastardly scam revealed. When approached by six undersized Police Officers and asked to 'come quietly' Gage was heard to reply, "no worries Guv, me and Nigel have bin doing that for months now!"
At time of going to press Police are dealing with a huge backlog of irate ethnic customers who are complaining that their children are the wrong colour!!
Mr Amit Strait was near to tears when his wife had given birth to four healthy bouncing white babies after he had shelled out in excess of £6,000 for what he assumed, were Albino babies! Mr Strait continued, "when I queried these births those two bastards told me it was a fluke of nature and that I had received two pints of semen from a retired, 6 foot tall Indian Calvary Officer up the Punjab, bastards, bastards I'll sue their arses!"
Legal eagles countrywide are rubbing their hands together at the thought of so many legal actions to follow.
Kay Burley has ordered an extra semi-skimmed pinta for the weekend!