A local man, who has lived locally for some time has had enough of the locality.
"I've just had enough of the locality" said the almost, but not quite, irate local man, "I've put my house on the market, I'm flipping off mate, hasta la bugger it, voom, gone, I go bye bye. I can't take all these things that keep happening to me."
When asked to elucidate, the local man said "what? illoo what? What the flip does that mean?"
Upon rephrasing the question, the local man was a little more forthcoming
"Oh is that what it means, well why didn't you just ask me in the first place to explain. Bloody stupid journalists and their big show off words, talk proper like what I does" continued the soon to be not so local man.
"Well, you see the reason I'm moving is that ever since I have been local, all sorts of shit has been happening around me and I've had enough. I've been attacked by giant rabbits, had my penis eaten by piranhas, broken my flipping internet, had a tree trauma, had trouble wiping my arse AND the amount of waiting I have had to endure is beyond belief…
…But, the one thing"
The local man paused in his tirade at this point, either for dramatic effect or to draw breath
"The one thing that really gets right on my tit end, is the constant hounding by effing "TheSpoof.com" reporters! They dog my life. Constantly following me around, looking for my juicy titbits and snippets and to find out what's been happening to me and they always get my name wrong, one minutes its Seaton Craploo, next minute its Martin Bottlecock and the next minute its something else completely different, aaarrrgggggg, I've effing had it!"
At this point the local gentlemen took it upon himself to run, hell for leather, in the general direction of away. The local authorities have been alerted.