Thripthwaite-en-le-Frith Grammar School (mixed) in Yorkshire is the first school to introduce the new Jamie Oliver menu following the success of his TV expose.
Headmaster, Mr. Shirley Hardcastle-Arkwright, B. Ed (hons), said, "it were only proper that t'children got summat gradely t'eat instead of t'turkey twizzlers, t'chips and t'like. They need grub that'll stick to t'ribs and put hair on t'chest, even on t'lasses. T'new menu's been on fer a week now and apart from costing t'whole PTA budget and ‘aving to sell off t'top playin' field to t'Barrett Homes, it's bloody well been worth it!"
73 year old former pupil and chairman of the board of governors, Barton Humpswaite, was not so impressed with the school's new dietary policy. "When ah were a nipper, me mam sent me and me 14 brothers and sisters, all of us riddled wi' rickets, to school wi' nobbut a slice o' bread an' drippin' and a clip round t'back o' t'head, an we were glad of it too. It ne'er did us any harm," he wheezed, thumping his sunken chest.
The children did not share Humpswaite's criticisms and were clearly delighted to be getting served today's 3 course silver service lunch followed by coffee and mints. "Bet this is just like what that posh lot'll be scoffin' at t'Eton School," said young Billy Bakewell scanning the menu. "Ah'm ‘aving t'pate de fois gras as me hors d'oeuvre, then t'rack o' lamb served on a festival of spring vegetables with t'gratin potatoes, t'mousse de chocolat with t'coulis of raspberries for me pudding and then a skinny mini-mocha-choca-latte-frappachino..... and possibly a mint matchmaker"
Asked if the scholars' performances at the school had improved since the new nutritional regime had been introduced, a local education authority spokeswoman commented, "well, we have a seen a decline against the national average since last week, but this can be attributed to the school having had to extend the lunch break by 2 hours to be able to serve everyone. This of course has eaten into the school's physical education programme and we have seen an average weight gain per pupil of half a stone."
Fat-tongued, pseudo-geezer Jamie Oliver was not available for comment. "He's outside the restaurant chasing some guy in a baked bean suit," said an Australian waitress.