Birmingham - (Holy Shit! Mess): The notorious C of E turncoat and father of satanist Aleister Crowley John is to be beatified by his Hellfire grandson this weekend.
A full-bling smoke 'n' mirrors ceremony at Hellfire Club HQ will see Pope Joe Ratzinger elevate the overblown old tosser into the ranks of Mother Theresa and General Pinochet.
Decades of Pubic Records Orifice whitewashing have sanitised the demonic hallucinator whose addiction to sacramental intoxicants is the stuff of legend.
Newman's drug-induced visions of a united Europe under the aegis of the Holy Roman Sea triggered at least two world wars and spawned the Crowleian bloodlines that still dominate the EU.
Today Mr Ratzinger's grandson by Queen Elizabeth was still in hiding in his Scottish cave after a Special Branch dossier identifying him as Gorgon Brown MP was left on a Glasgow bus.
The document also contained DNA test printouts showing Brown and EU High Commissioner Baroness Ashton are the birth parents of the current Hellfire Club shoo-in Prince William.
Camilla Fucker-Proles is 69.