Scotland - (Hitler's Dope Mess): The stench of Nazi stitch-up is rife ahead of the Vatican Mile High Club's customised Focke-Wulf Fw 190's maiden voyage to Scotland this Thursday.
The arrival of Pope Josef Ratzinger and his ungodly crew of paedo-whitewashing thugs has really got up folks' noses.
A TV documentary last week exposed the pontiff's real birth parents as satanist Aleister Crowley and the Queen Mother.
A druggy Walpurgisnacht orgy à deux saw the demon seed implanted in her cavernous pit of serpentine fecundity.
Two years later the succubus's Ordo Templi Orientis coupling with Hitler's Pope saw George Bush Senior spring forth from the she-devil's snatch.
A secret half-brother to the ultimate Rex Mundi currently running the Vatican, Bush Senior made US President in 1988 after successfully siring Princess Diana and the Yorkshire Ripper.
And now his evil elder brother is heading to the very isles that centuries of popish marauders have failed to conquer.
"Lord knows why we have to put up with sorta nonsense," local Loch Ness fishmonger Hamish McScouser complained today.
Meanwhile in the London HQ of the Anti-Terra Squad a DNA sample from dead MI6 cryptographer Gareth Williams has turned up a match with bloodlines from the George Bush clan.
"Next thing you know is the Queen will drop dead at the airport this Thursday," McScouser added hopefully.
Roberto 'God's Banker' Calvi was 69.