Quick hoovering; sponge baths and home parties be-damned, the latest poll prediction that has brother Ed wresting away Labour's leadership has put desperate Dave in a frightening tizzy.
With poll figures showing Ed winning 51% to 49% in second round voting Dave's campaign supporters are resorting to American-style damage tactics.
Polishing up his New Labour platform as he readies himself for a bloody nose Dave was caught on closed-circuit cameras trolling minority-heavy communities as he tried to buy votes.
Having failed abominably to pull off an Obama-Twitter style/cool dude routine Dave was forced to fall back on channeling his inner Austin Powers Man of Mystery avatar. Declaring brother Ed the Forrest Gump of Labour, Dave tried out his corny metaphors at a meeting for hearing challenged amnesiac seniors:
"Yeah baby...I'm your man. Why? It's really quite simple. I'm Cool Austin Powers to Ed's Forrest Gump. I'm a pint of lager & Ed's like a box of truffles - you don't know which one has the nougat filling...ha-ha"
Sidney Thorneywicket who last voted for Harold MacMillan
asked, "Eh? Oo's he...is he Mr. Bean? We love Mr. Bean"
In Pakistani-laden boroughs Dave was caught on hidden mikes cavorting with asylum-seeking spot-fixing cricketers as he unveiled his bizarre platform:
"If you choose me as your next PM I promise you I will open up the public purse to let all of you purchase newly-opened up ocean-front property in your ancestral homeland."
Trying to woo Conservatives, he promised to designate all Spoof writers ASBOs and to name brother Ed as UK's Falklands envoy.
Brother Ed, basking in the afterglow of the poll primped:
"Dave's always been such a prat. He aint ma brother - he's just heavy"