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Monday, 9 May 2005

image for Blair: "I wont quit" - resignation imminent
5000-frame-per second camera captures rare smile

Monday 9th May - London, England. Gordon Brown is believed to readying himself to make the short trip next door after his wife was spotted surreptitiously measuring the curtains at a recent Number 10 bash. Tony Blair's recent dismissal of cries for him to quit have only prompted further speculation that he is about to resign. Former Foreign Secretary Robin Cook is the latest of a host of prominent Labour MPs to wade into the ever-prominent debate. Cook recently called for the Prime Minister to step down but so far all requests have landed on deaf ears - all be it the very large ones owned by Mr Blair.

"I'm not resigning now, not in forty-five, ahem, minutes time, not tomorrow, not ever," said a harassed looking Blair outside Number 10 this morning,
"I've got too much to do, you know. I've got bloody Jamie Oliver to deal with, then George needs my help with his homework - and he mentioned something about North Korea, and besides Cherie's just ordered new carpets so there's absolutely no way."

Journalists repeatedly pressed Blair for a specific leaving date whilst he continually glanced over his shoulder nervously at the twitching curtains of Number 11,
"Look, I simply say to you what I've said before - I'm not leaving and that's it," said Blair impatiently,
"…and not Gordon, or anyone else is going to get their grubby hands on my job, I'm the man, I've been elected and I'm staying put, so there!"
Blair then retreated to the inner sanctum of Number 10, tripping over a tea chest on his way back inside and leaving trusted lieutenant Alistair Campbell to deal with ongoing questions.
"Back off, bastards," Campbell repeated, "back off or you'll suffer like Greg Dyke."

Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy poured scorn on Blair, mumbling something about "Iraq" whilst outgoing Conservative leader Michael Howard rubbished the British leader's comments,
"Mr Blair has a history of doing the opposite of what he promised. I wouldn't be surprised if he was already packed behind that black door - it's only a shame that I wont be moving in."

A treasury spokesman declined to comment on Blair's speech, saying only that his boss was going to be "extremely happy now" before disappearing off into Whitehall.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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