Written by Noddy Bigears
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Topics: Prince Harry, Army

Monday, 9 May 2005

Prince Harry has been smuggled to a luxury Mediterranean complex whilst his double will undertake the gruelling 5 week induction course at Sandhurst. The five-week initiation, described by Sandhurst itself as "five weeks of living hell" would have been just too tough for little Harry and not appropriate for the third in line to the throne.

Jamie Lowther-Pinkerton, the newly-appointed private secretary to Prince Harry and his brother, Prince William has arranged the luxury holiday for Harry in the 5 star complex. Harry's girlfriend, Chelsy Davy will be on hand day and night to rub in the sun cream and play croquet on the beach so that Harry does not get stressed out. A full compliment of domestic staff will be on hand for every wish and whim.

Unfortunately, some of Prince Harry's previous doubles have already caused numerous scandals including scholastic cheating at Eton, caught dressing up in Nazi uniforms joining the BNP as well as being seen totally drunk in various London night clubs with subsequent punch ups. It appears that the selection procedure has been dramatically tightened up to avoid any more etiquette issues and blunders. Indeed, it is believed that ultra-strict Camilla herself has been involved with the selection interviews resulting from the following advertisement published in ‘Horse and Country Life':

Physically fit and intelligent 20 to 25 year old male drug free non smoker and teetotaler capable of ironing own clothes required for successful completion of 5 week intensive training course at Sandhurst, would suit Royal Family admirer. Red hair not essential as perm can be arranged. Please write cover letter and send cv and photographs including self addressed envelope to Charlie and Camilla, Clarence House, London. Good hourly rates, additional contract work will be available to right candidate.

Commandant Major General Andrew Ritchie, head of the academy, made clear that Officer Cadet Double Wales would be on the parade ground with the others at 6am today or heaven help him. Academy Sgt Major Vince Gaunt will shout and scream orders at the Prince's double from 6 am till midnight in an effort to convince the other cadets that there is no special treatment whilst Harry and Chelsy relax with a spliff and a drink by the swimming pool in the luxurious overseas complex.

Royal family observer and self indulgent informant, Paul Burrel, confirmed the extensive use of Royal doubles in his recent book ‘The Peeping Butler Loves A Big Keyhole' where he wrote "all the most important Royals have a double otherwise they would have to do so many mundane tasks ranging from shopping for underwear to all those public engagements." He had also written though "sometimes things go badly wrong when the double starts to actually believe that they are actually a Royal, and then the real trouble starts -they had to lock up the real Prince Charles with insanity decades ago, look what happened then?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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