Written by Sidney Bollocks
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Sunday, 12 September 2010

Prompted by recent relationship dramas amongst some of its players, Manchester United Football Club has taken the step of appointing a relationships guru. The purpose of this move is to help players pick partners who are more compatible and who are likely to provide for more stable, loving relationships.

Newly appointed relationships guru, Heather Mills, said "Let's face it, most soccer players are pretty basic blokes. Untold wealth does not seemingly bestow class and good taste on a person. We have developed psychological profiles of all our unmarried players and will do so for all prospective single players who might be bought by the club".

Ms Mills went on to say "The profiles we have come up with for each player are remarkably similar, which has made it relatively easy to develop profiles for potential girlfriends and wives. The general profile we are working to is of a 20 to 25 year old female, with blonde hair, blue eyes and, ideally, 36C tits (natural or silicone). She will have an IQ in the borderline range and will have aspired to nothing more than a job as a checkout girl at Tesco. She will be sexually adventurous and won't mind taking it up the arse when his mates are watching. She will have no desire to have her own perfume or lingerie lines and will be content to own a couple of whippets and a dozen racing pidgeons. Her idea of a good night out will be 10 pints of stout, a fight, fish and chips and a knee trembler behind the working men's social club. Her dream car will be a 1989 Escort XR3i with go faster stripes, fluffy dice and a ridiculously loud airhorn".

When asked if such women were easy to find, Ms Mills replied "Don't be daft yer twat, you won't find women like that around here any more, but we should have some luck sourcing them from Albania". It seems the players are fighting their way to the front of the queue to sign up for this service.

Other clubs have also expressed interest in such a scheme. These include Chelsea, Manchester City, Everton, Liverpool, Tranmere Rovers and Millwall.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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