Written by Sidney Bollocks
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Saturday, 11 September 2010

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Daily Mail reader, Colonel Twistleton-Twat.

In a surprise show of sympathy, the liberal-minded and forgiving readers of the Daily Mail have started an appeal to help Wayne Rooney redeem himself.

The appeal has been started by readers in the West Sussex town of Burgess Hill. A local couple, retired Colonel Reginald Twistleton-Twat and his wife Audrey, are leading the appeal and are hoping to garner support in nearby towns and villages.

Colonel Twistleton-Twat said that, at one time, he would have been calling for Rooney to be publicly flogged and placed in the town stocks. However, since becoming a Daily Mail reader some years ago, he said that his attitudes had softened and he felt a sense of social and moral responsibility to help Rooney regain his place in a respectful society.

The aim of the appeal is to raise money to provide practical help in transforming Rooney as a person. The specific fundraising goals are to provide Rooney with some primary school education and instruction in morality, get his tattoos removed, cosmetic surgery to reduce his lower jaw and ears, elocution lessons to give him a home counties accent, a personality transplant and psychological treatment to raise his IQ above 50. Although, Colonel Twistleton-Twat believes the last item may be a little unrealistic and unachievable.

Meanwhile, Mrs Audrey Twistleton-Twat has enlisted the help of the local church wives group and they are knitting condoms, in the hope that they may be able to stop the Rooneys breeding further, should they remain together.

When asked for a comment, the Daily Mail stated that it was in no way connected to this appeal. It also went on to say that it believed laws should be passed which would allow for genetic engineering to eradicate the likes of Rooney from the human gene pool.

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