The government announced today a controversial list of new subjects to be taught in schools in an effort to improve the youth of Britain's sex education.
Among the subjects to be added to the new GCSE curriculum will be Autoerotic Asphyxiation, Exhibitionism and most controversially, Necrophilia - the unusual lust for those who have recently passed away.
Peter Smithwick, a teacher at the Peckham School of Secondary Education and Crime believes these subjects will both improve the child's education and should even make the kids turn up for school more than 2 days a month.
'Most kids know the basics of sex by the age of 10' he said. 'Half of them have already tried the missionary position and are experts at aural sex by their teens so I should imagine most of the little fuckers will pass these exams with flying colours.'
Natalie Swansong who teaches Maths at the Slough Comprehensive from Hell said 'None of the little shits are the slightest bit interested in learning quadratic equations or reading the Merchant of Venice, all they want to do is rut each other senseless so let them experiment a bit more and give them a fucking A* at the end of it.'
Pupil Tommy Broadmouth from Watford has just completed his GCSEs and is envious of the options the younger children will now have to choose from. 'When I was at school I only got to study stuff like English, Geography and Pensioner Mugging. Now the kids are gonna have the opportunity to dress up in their sisters school uniforms and wank with skipping ropes around their necks.'
'Me and my mates used to do that all the time and we'd get detention if we got caught. Now the cunts are gonna get a pat on the back and will be guaranteed an A* if they shag the life size skeleton from the biology laboratory.'
'I'd have chopped off my wanking arm for the opportunity to knob that skeleton when I was at school.'