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Topics: London, Britain

Friday, 6 May 2005

image for Labour victory heralds Sith takeover of Britain
Darth Campbell

London. Panic has spread through the streets of the English capital and other major cities after an army of black-suited monsters terrorised citizens with swords made from 'beams of light'. As soon as Labour's victory was confirmed the terrifying creatures began their murderous rampage, leaving decapitated bodies and horrifically disfigured people in their wake.

It appears that a press conference held by Tony Blair at 8 a.m may have been the trigger for the carnage. Blair, now dressed bizarrely in a black robe and hood and insisting journalists refer to him only as 'The Emperor' spoke outside number 10,
"At last we can reveal ourselves to the Electorate," rasped Blair, his face seemingly aged beyond recognition from his early days in government,

"We have beaten off the Conservatives. I have absolute power - come over to The Dark Side - or DIE"! Blair lifted a boney hand to illustrate his comments, at which point frightening rays of dazzling blue electricity shot from his fingers, fatally wounding BBC's Andrew Marr in the process.

When questioned by surviving reporters about his new policies Emperor Blair revealed his desire to have a Minister for a galaxy far, far away and to do away with Good, Jedi Knights and healthy school meals for children.

Blair went on to briefly thank his aids for giving him an historic third term, singling out Darth Campbell and Darth Brown for praise, "I have nothing but the utmost respect for those members of my team who have helped The Sith to power for another four years. I promise that this time I will listen to the people, before I obliterate them!"

Meanwhile, the vanquished Michael Howard was nowhere to be seen. At Conservative Central Office, now referred to as 'a rebel base' by leading Labour activists no one could be found for an interview. "They all packed up and left hours ago," said a cleaner, "this bloke called Ben Kenobi turned up with an annoying gold robot and told them they had to leave but where they were going or when they'll be back I couldn't tell you".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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