Derek Acorah, the mighty oak of a celebrity psychic that blossomed from the tiny acorn of a Liverpudlian medium, arrived in Altrincham, Cheshire, today, hot on the heels of the news that listed Altrincham as the countries biggest ghost town.
His original intention was to talk to some of the resident ghosts for his new TV show, Acorah Sees Dead People, that he is hoping Living TV will buy.
However, he soon realised, as he walked among the tumbleweed crisp packets and flapping To Let signs (most of which did not even have the 'i' added), that Altrincham was not a town of ghosts, but a town in decline. A close friend said that Acorah was quite disappointed.
Speaking to the press for the first time since discovering a fictitious ghost on live TV, Acorah put a positive spin on his visit.
"I used to come to Altrincham as a lad," he said to the assembled reporter, from the Sale and Altrincham Messenger, "as many Liverpudlians did. And it was a shopping Mecca. Now, over thirty percent of the shops are shut. However, I can revitalise this town with the help of the passed over, who will tell me how."
Acorah has laid out his plans for returning Altrincham to its heyday, after consultation with Isambard Kingdom Brunel.
According to Britain's greatest engineer, more free car-parking will help fill the hundreds of empty offices. This will increase the number of visitors to the town centre. As the Trafford Centre has the bigger shops, reduce the rent by ten percent to allow the smaller, specialist shops to flourish, which will encourage branches of the larger shops to return. As foot traffic and shops increase, even more visitors will return, and, eventually, there may even be a return of the Cake Stall on the market.
"Sophia, Issi's mum, does not think that this will work," said Acorah. "Because Trafford Council are money grabbing 'something's, apparently. Couldn't quite make out that last word."