London, UK; Friday 6 May 2005 - (Rioters) Following last night's general election triumph for the Conservative Party, newly-elected UK Prime Minister Michael Howard has executed his first manifesto promise by sending in SO 13 - the Metropolitan Police's Special Branch - to arrest Harry Potter serial plagiarist and accomplished fraudster JK Rowling.
Moments before departing for the customary post-election Royal audience with HM the Queen, Premier Howard announced on national television that Rowling was one of a Real IRA gang who had been caught siphoning off Iraqi $billions from the UN's Oily Food Saddam programme.
The fraud occured after Rowling had had all her bank accounts frozen following revelations that her childrens' fiction earnings and related royalty payments were repaid to the real Harry Potter author who had sued her and publishers GeoffHoonsbury last year.
This had left her so badly overdrawn that she conspired with Saddam Hussain's sons, the UK's EU Trade Commissioner Peter Mandelson and Chancellor Gordon Brown to pillage the UN Fraud for Oil programme in order to replenish her depleted accounts and pay off bailiffs sent in by credit card companies to whom she owed seven figure sums.
Also despatched to London's Belmarsh Jail were other Real Ira gang members including Heather McCartney Mills, Cherry Bush QC and her consort Tony Bliar, life-style guru Ms Carole Caplin, seven members of the Parker-Bolwes family, ex-Tory MPs John Redwood, Nicholas Soames and Ian Duncan Smith, and London's Mayor Ken Livingstone. Plus 99% of the Labour Party's former front benchers.
All are accused of being cold war ID theft KGB plants from the Freeman family directly related to the late Ronald Reagan and Robert Maxwell. This follows confirmation from the UK's National Poisons Unit that DNA tests have proved horribly positive.
Also under arrest for the scam are so-called Chelsea Football Club proprietor Roman Abramovich, Harrod's owner Mohammed Fired, Irish thoroughbred racehorse owner Michael Tabor and his trainer Aidan O'Brien, Virgin boss Richard Branson and key members of the Diana Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain Planning Committee.
A spokesman for Rowling's solicitors said today that their client would be fighting strenuously all charges brought against her this morning.
Meanwhile a fleet of industrial-sized skips parked behind Downing Street this morning was being loaded up with the Blairs' personal effects after Howard negotiated the re-opening of a landfill site just outside Chernobyl in the Ukraine.
Further reporting of today's startling evens has been curtailed under the previous Administration's draconian Freedom of Disinformation Act, as amended for full compliance with George Bush's Department of Homeland Insecurity recommendations. But a full statement is expected from No10 Downing Street tomorrow.