Written by queen mudder
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Topics: Wayne Rooney

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

image for Rooney second string hooker Helen Wood: curse of La Cervara hexed Wayne/Coleen nuptials
Hex: local Portofino tarts Syphilida and Gonorea dishonored Vesta circa 717 BC

Manchester - (Gonads): The slinky Salford slapper has blamed an ancient Roman curse for blighting Wayne and Coleen's nuptials.

Helen Wood, 23, whose three-in-a-bed antics have rocked the nation, said today the 2008 La Cervara ceremony 'was hexed' - by chastity rule-busting Vestal Virgins buried beneath the Abbey's foundations.

Ms Wood reckons it wasn't last year's £1,200-a-pop three-in-a-bed hooker sessions that soured the Man U striker's marriage:

"I blame a curse by Vesta," Wood commented today, "the ancient Roman matchmaking goddess of hearth and home - dishonored by local Portofino tarts Syphilida and Gonorea circa 717 BC."

The Rooneys toasted their June 12 wedding in a lavish $1 million ceremony in the grounds of the famous Ligurian Abbey where Vesta's temple once stood.

The Roman goddess's handmaidens took a lifetime vow of chastity to serve their mistress, risking eternal wrath 'for any messing about with the hymens'.

Despite prior warnings by a local Genoa bishop Wayne and Coleen tied the knot in the de-consecrated nuptial site regardless, toasting the wedding with $250-a-pop champagne.

Now that marriage itself is toast.

"La Cervara - that's Italian for cervix, the neck of the womb," Ms Wood explained this afternoon.

"Nothing good can ever come of it once Vesta's flame's been doused."

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