Mancunian newspaper vendor, Johnny Trousers, of Ardwick Green today categorically denied that Mancunians have a speech impediment, and the real problem in that department lies with Scousers.
"We're all right mate, we are, us," Trousers said. "It's them Scousers what don't talk proper and mangle the language, like. Right bastards dee are. They've got more K's in their Scouseabet than what the soddin Welshies have constonants. I mean, they can't even say Pool, like, that lot. They say 'Pewl' I mean. what's that all about? And you know when they sing that really crap song, like, that fuckin' 'We won it five Tiiii-iiimes' load of old bollocks, the Scouse munchin' muppets don't mention that one of 'em was against Malmo, of Sweden no less, and the mighty friggin Bruges, from Belgium. See wot I mean? They don't tell yer that."
Scouse spokesman, Mickey McWhack, off der kop lyke, angrily countered:
"'Ow dare dee say we don't talk proper? We do dough, don't we dough, we do. Dare aall jus a bit jelly coz dare mams is ould slappers an dat."
At which point, Cockney Dave from Whitechapel market intervened, saying:
"Leave it aht mah sahhn. Viss is a spectable market innit an' we ain't 'avin' viss from you fahhkin' norvern mahnkees!"
The Prime Minister declined to intervene in the dispute, as he doesn't apparently have a speech impediment.
But he did promise to 'make it perfectly clear' at some point in the future.
Trousers, McWhack and Cockney Dave united as they announced:
"Never believe a liar."
More as we get it.