London, 4th May 2005. Former UK Independence Party Candidate Sir Gilroy-Kilt has ordered an enquiry following the discovery of the British General Election results on the back seat of a London cab.
"This is outrageous," said an outraged Gilroy-Kilt. "The results were supposed to be closely guarded until they could be handed over to one of those Dimbleby fellows at around 4am just in time for the start of the BBC Breakfast Show."
"Since the date of the General Election was announced, leaders of all the appropriate political parties have been battling it out in traditional fashion using Churchill's Games' Compendium."
When asked what the "appropriate" political parties were, Gilroy-Kilt replied, "well, Labour, Lib-Dems, Conservatives and the Greens as these are the colours normally associated with board games such as Ludo, namely red, yellow, blue and green."
Gilroy-Kilt shook his head, "how are we supposed to con the British public out of watching ‘Emmerdale' and into the polling booths now? Especially when they find out that the ruling party of the next Government was decided by a game of Tiddlywinks."
Mr I. Flickem, President of The Tiddlywink Affiliation briefly explained the rules of the game. "Each player takes a colour and places a pot in the middle of a mat. Using the squidger each opponent must play his wink to get it into the pot, but if you squop a wink it can no longer be played, neither if it is winked off the mat. If a player pots out, all squopped winks are desquopped, and squopping ceases."
And winning? "Simple," he continued. "In a match, winning is decided not by games won, but by points scored. Suppose Labour plays The Lib-Dems and the scores (Labour first) are, 6 - 1, 3 - 4, 5 - 2, 3 - 4, 2 1/2 - 4 1/2. Labour wins by 19 1/2 to 15 1/2, and gets the keys to 10 Downing Street, even though they won two games to Labour's three. Again, if The Conservatives play The Greens and the scores (Conservative first) are 7 - 0, 3 - 4, 3 - 4, 2 - 5, they win by 15 points to 13, not by 3 games to 1."
The Secretary General of the Electoral Committee was unavailable for comment. "We don't do politics," said a spokesman.