Quelle surprise! All the Free Schools are in London - As expected, fee paying schools have jumped in first, grabbed Gove's attention and set themselves up to be even further subsidised by the less fortunate. Sons and daughters of the already filthy rich and Tory elite, will benefit from class sizes lower than 10 with private tuition free at source.
The Stockbrokers School of Essex will set up in the former Gantshill Underground Ticket Office. It's surplus to requirements since no one buys tickets there and all staff were sacked. Coincidentally, the sacked clerks and cleaners will now be employed by the Stockbrokers School as cooks and general dogsbodies. Duties will include finding parking spaces for the diesel guzzling 4x4's favoured by the mummy pack on the school run. The parents decided against employing Eastern Europeans because the Tories don't like these kind of people.
Core subjects will include Insider Trading , Tax Avoidance the Legal Way, Property Investment Abroad and Rich Kids Boozy Holidays, all to 'A' level. Latin and Greek are compulsory for prearranged entry to Cambridge, while boys may specialise in heterosexual pursuits as a prerequisite for a place on any Tory candidates list.
Guest lecturers will include the Secretary of State for Education himself. Parents, however, must ensure their offspring are well versed in machine gun Gove's Scottish accent. Holidays in the far north east of Scotland will be subsidised so that the little darlings may immerse themselves in posh life in Aberdeenshire.
Little Timothy Bladderpants is beside himself with joy.
"Mummy and daddy bought in an area with THE best schools and I didn't get in. I was in therapy for months when all my chums taunted me. So, daddy bought an old women off and bribed her to say she was my granny. So that I would be eligible for another posh school. Even that failed. Yuch, she smelled of Tesco. Then mummy heard through her online chatroom, "Rich mums without free posh school places" about the Stockbrokers School."
Well done mummy.