It was an illustrious crowd today as the management team of BP took the stage to receive the World Cup Punt, Pass, and Kick annual award. David Beckham returned to the UK for the occasion and presented the cup on behalf of the Queen to Tony Hayward.
"Tony," said Beckham as he held the cup up over his head, "there has never been anyone who deserved this award more than you and I am proud to place this golden oil rig in your hands. You are the man! It would have been easy to pay the Yanks twenty billion dollars for that bump in the road in the Gulf of Mexico. You played it like the champ, we always knew you were. When you left, you set up the play for a perfect punt, pass, and kick that would leave the yanks holding the bag, or holding the dead pelican, you might say." He chuckled and threw his arm around Hayward. "Tony," he said, "your scrum didn't leave the Wankers a pot to put fish in!" Tony Hayward took the trophy and replied, "I am accepting this beautiful trophy, not for myself, but for all those "small people" that helped me. I couldn't have done it alone. Therefore, I dedicate this gorgeous symbol to all of my staff who covered up and hunkered down, who lied and stalled, who promised and punted, who passed the buck, and buried the payment checks, all for the sake of our shareholders."
As Beckham presented the award to Hayward, employees of BP gathered in a semi-circle around the podium and began to sing:
"I'm a Yankee Diddle Dandy, a Yankee Diddler do or die."
Hayward's cheeks grew rosy, he held the trophy high over his head, and smiled broadly.