Written by Katarina Frogpond2
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Monday, 6 September 2010

image for "My Phone Tap Hell" By John Prescott
"We know where you buy your Pizza" Prezza was told.

The amazing story of how John Prescott's phone tap hell saved his life has been revealed by a close friend for the first time. The friend has disclosed how the phone tap crises brought Prezza back from the brink of life threatening obesity and saved him from toppling into an early, extra large, grave.

The story starts one morning, late in the premiership of Tony Blair, when Mr Prescott received a phone call about the consumption of a monstrously large pizza. The pizza was from an Italian Pizza shop owned by the Maffia boss, Don Carbonara, who made exceptionally big Pizzas for very busy underground fatties who wanted to eat a whole weeks worth of food all the one go. It was especially useful for busy politicians who just didn't have time to eat. This enormous pizza was cooked in an oven that was so big it was illegal to sell.

A trade and standards official said "Only exceptionally big pizzas can be made in this oven, that's what they're for. And if everyone ate that size of pizza, twice a day like Prezza was said to do, then we'd all die"

The phone call that Prezza received was anonymous and quite possibly voice distorted and all it said was a menacing "I know where you buy your pizza"

But how? How did they know where he bought his pizza? The Extra big Maffia pizza shop was a secret known only to a very few priveledge fatties of society, like Fergie, Vanessa Feltz and Boris Johnson. The bonds that bound the secrets of the pizza fiends were so tight, that if anyone found out about the illegal pizza racket they were hunted down and shot.

Prezza was so secretive about his pizza club that he only went there after midnight and before dawn, and never referred to it in public, not even when he met fellow Pizza officionados at government meetings. But occasionally he had boasted about the love of his life on the phone to family members. And that's when his secret came out. It was also when he realised he was being phone tapped.

However, at the time, he didn't think the phone tapping was being done by the News of The World, he thought it was by Don Carbonara, the most deadly Maffia Pizza maker in the whole world.

Prezza was sent into a panic because he believed his days were numbered. He never again went to the pizza shop and, because he thought he was now on the run from the Maffia, he started going to the Gym. This was to get fit, so if he ever had to run for real from the Maffia, he'd stand a better chance of getting away.

Mr Prescott lost 20 stone and now only ever eats lettuce. He will never publicly acknowlege that he owes it all to the News of the World's mastery of the Dark Arts, but it did save his life.

By Katarina Frogpond

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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