Written by Jeremy Paxman
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Sunday, 5 September 2010

image for Rooneygate: Wayne & Coleen, a True Partnership - He Beds the Call Girls, She Issues the Injunctions...
England & United star, kids rolemodel, sponsors dream - Mr Wayne Rooney

That's right sportsfans, following today's so called 'exclusive' revelations in The Mail and elsewhere that Wayne Rooney has been smashing the granny out of Manchester call girls for a couple of years now - including one called Jennifer Thompson aka Juicy Jeni during the period when his wife Coleen was pregnant with their son Kai - I would like to point out that I stuck two fingers up to Rooney's 'super injunction' and broke the story back in AUGUST! See below:

Wayne Rooney Press Injunction - Sex, Drugs & Sausage Rolls

Now I'm left wondering whether there's any veracity to the claims that Rooney enjoyed oral sex in a Southport club just a week or two before he actually married Coleen (see the above story for more information).

I can't help wonder how many other footballers are feeling exceptionally twitchy this morning following the collapse of Wayne Rooney's gagging order against the press given the fact that there are at least TWO other injunctions still in force to protect two as yet unnamed footballers (well, I say unnamed but if you follow this reporter's fabricated spoofs, you may for example be interested to read anything with the words Steven or Gerrard in the title, see links below).

Steven Gerrard Issues Super Injunction:
Steven Gerrard Issues Super Injunction

Steven Gerrard Issues Full Statement:
Steven Gerrard Issues Full Statement:

Anyone else agree that "gagging order" seems to have much more of an ironic ring to it than "super injunction"? I'm sure the call girl involved in Rooneygate spent plenty of time gagging but more to the point, I'm sure Mr Rooney and his Manchester United manager, Alex Ferguson, are both gagging on their cornflakes this morning while they read the newspapers.

One has to wonder what the exit strategy is for Coleen Rooney, does she stick or twist? Having already busted Wayne once for shagging grannies, will she forgive him again? Would she want to leave their multi-million pound mansion in Cheshire? Would she miss the palatial villas in the Bahama's and Miami? Is she so pig ugly that she would be unlikely to pull another multi-millionaire brat? Would the vacuous Scouser want to lose all her vacuous WAG friends?

I can't help but think that not only will Colleen stand by her man (on the flimsy basis that he is the - possible - father of their child) but that we all soon be reading (or more like enduring) the inevitable exclusive photoshoots and interviews in the lifestyle magazines proffering headlines like "Colleen - My Battle to Save My Marriage" which will in turn net her millions as she sells her soul in public YET AGAIN as part of her and Wayne's relentless pursuit of fame and wealth?

I leave you with one question though... was it Wayne who had issued the injunction or was it Coleen?

Alex Ferguson, Fabio Capello, the fans, their parents, Littlewoods, fat fighters and Wayne Rooney's family focussed sponsors must be so proud...but maybe Rooney took Nike's advice to "Just Do It" far too literally.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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