Oh dear, Wayne, we expected better...
So said Skoob News Sports correspondent and part time caretaker, Donald Skoob (copyright Monkey Woods) of Salford University near Portsmouth this morning.
"Seems like Wazza's graduated from Granny shagging to £1200 a night hookers. I suppose that might go some way towards explaining his dip in form in recent months. The baldy headed scouse git has effectively had the bollocks shagged off him."
Insiders say that injury prone free transfer crock Michael Owen was 'disgusted' as Roo waltzed off for a spot of sausage sinking with 21 year old Jennifer Thompson, from Bolton - aka 'Juicy Jeni'
It is thought that hamstrung Owen objected in the strongest possible terms to Rooney cheating on his pregnant wife, Coleen, 'with a slapper who talks like roly-poly Bolton funnyman Peter Kay.'
"Not exactly fucking exotic is it?" Donald Skoob sneered. "Juicy fuckin' Jeni from Bolton. And to add insult to injury, the baldy headed scouse git done her in the Lowry, down the Quays. Maybe even up the arse as well for all I know. She must have been a bit of a goer to charge £1200 a wazz. Do you have her phone number?"
Insiders say that Rooney and Coleen's marriage is hanging off a cliff. We don't know how it stands. We can only assume that Wazza and 'Juicy Jeni' weren't playing Brian and Michael's 'Matchstalk Men And Matchstalk Cats And Dogs' at the Lowry.
More likely they were shagging each other senseless. As you would, if you'd paid £1200
United legend Ryan Giggs claimed that the episode was 'fuck all to do with me.'
Paul Scholes is still from Salford, still ginger, still brilliant, and not bald like Wayne Rooney or Bobby Charlton.
Ryan Giggs admitted that his head is starting to look like a bird's nest with an egg in it, but put it down to 'me age. I'm knocking on a bit now. Getting a tad baldy like Wazza, but I can still run rings round Jamie Carragher and leave the scouse twat on his arse.'
Juicy Jeni admitted to porking Wazza seven times, pocketing a cool non-taxable £8400 but denied ever taking one up the arse.
Footballers eh? And the Yanks think they're all gay.
More as we get it.