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Sunday, 5 September 2010

image for The Police: Miniature Wehrmacht on manoeuvres in Wiltshire.
The Elite Wiltshire Miniature Wehrmacht Battalion arrested Miss Goody Two-Shoes!

Rural Wiltshire, England: A privately educated 57-year-old Lady nearing her pension age and bus pass, who has a degree in microbiology from Warwick University and works as a market researcher, has fallen victim to the tin-pot dictatorship of the Wiltshire's Miniature Wehrmacht in England.

Describing herself as just an ordinary, middle-aged, middle-class Miss Goody Two-Shoes, who has done absolutely nothing wrong, she revealed how the ordeal began.

Miss Goody Two-Shoes spent the night asleep in her car in a rural lane, when her car battery became flat because Miss Goody Two-Shoes had left the heater on full blast in her car.

Despite being so close to home, Miss Goody Two-Shoes decided to remain in the car until daylight, because she didn't want to leave her work computer and confidential documents inside.

"It had been drilled into us at work never to let these things out of our sight," Miss Goody Two-Shoes said. "I would have had to walk along a dark and pot-holed country lane, so I thought it would be better to stay put."

Miss Goody Two-Shoes awoke at around 8.30am and, after getting out of the car, saw a female community Police officer approaching.

"I was delighted to see her," said Miss Goody Two-Shoes. "I asked her if she had some jump leads but she walked off as if to make a call."

Within minutes a patrol car pulled up alongside her Mercedes estate and two police officers, one male and one female, got out. Miss Goody Two-Shoes asked if they had brought the jump leads but they simply said, "Shut up. We are the f****** Police."

It was then that Wiltshire's Miniature Wehrmacht pushed Miss Goody Two-Shoes on to the back of the car, pushed her arms up high behind hery back and handcuffed very roughly in an unlady like manner.

Miss Goody Two-Shoes commented, "I was astounded and assumed it was a case of mistaken identity. One of the officers was particularly aggressive and kept telling me to shut up when I asked what was happening."

Wiltshire's Miniature Wehrmacht said yesterday, that Miss Goody Two-Shoes was arrested for failing to provide a sample for a breath test, after the Wehrmacht Officers suspected Miss Goody Two-Shoes was drunk in charge of a car.

Miss Goody Two-Shoes disputes this version of events, denies she had been drinking and insists she was never told why she was being arrested.

On Miss Goody Two-Shoes arrival at Melksham Concentration Camp in England, she was taken to the cells. A male Wehrmacht Doctor soon arrived and he started putting on a pair of disposable gloves...

Thinking that the male Wehrmacht Doctor was going to strip search her, Miss Goody Two-Shoes walked past him and out of the cell. Miss Goody Two-Shoes, who is eight stone, encountered a Sergeant of the Elite Wiltshire Miniature Wehrmacht Battalion, who lifted her up under the arms like a doll, to be thrown headfirst back into the cell.

The Elite Wehrmacht Sergeant, then slammed the door shut and left Miss Goody Two-Shoes unconscious on the floor. In her own words, Miss Goody Two-Shoes;

"I still find it hard to watch the images of me staggering to my feet with blood pouring from a head wound because I can remember how terrified I was", Miss Goody Two-Shoes said. "I could have died. It seems utterly barbaric that an innocent person could be treated in such a horrific and violent way and then left alone, the fact that someone may even have been watching the CCTV footage of me not moving on the floor."

Later that morning, Wiltshire's Miniature Wehrmacht eventually called paramedics who took Miss Goody Two-Shoes to the Royal United Hospital in Bath.

"I can remember trying to explain to the Paramedics that I didn't understand why I was there," she said. "When they saw blood coming from my mouth, they put the sirens on and I was taken straight into A&E. I thought to myself, "This is it, you're going to die. I was still concussed."

During the several hours Miss Goody Two-Shoes spent in hospital she was kept in handcuffs and accompanied by two members of the Elite Wiltshire Miniature Wehrmacht Battalion, despite protests from nurses.

"The Officers at the hospital wouldn't let me call my partner, or anyone. I said it was my right and they replied that it might be like that on American TV programmes but not here."

In a recent statement, by Assistant Chief Constable Goebbels, the Propaganda Minister for the Elite Wiltshire Miniature Wehrmacht Battalion;

"No matter how good our systems and training, it is impossible to give a 100 per cent assurance that acceptable guidelines will never, on occasion, be broken.

That does not excuse any unacceptable or unlawful behaviour by police officers or staff but it is important to put this difficult job into context."

To this day, the Elite Wiltshire Miniature Wehrmacht Battalion, still maintain that Miss Goody Two-Shoes was arrested for failing to provide a sample for a breath test after the Officers suspected Miss Goody Two-Shoes was drunk in charge of a car. Miss Goody Two-Shoes disputes this version of events, denying she had been drinking and insists she was never told why she was being arrested.

The powerfully built 6ft 3in, the Elite Wehrmacht Sergeant of the Elite Wiltshire Miniature Wehrmacht Battalion was brought before a court and denied the charge of assault against Miss Goody Two-Shoes, even though CCTV footage of the incident clearly showed him dragging a terrified Miss Goody Two-Shoes across the floor.

The Elite Wehrmacht Sergeant of the Elite Wiltshire Miniature Wehrmacht Battalion was convicted of assaulting Miss Goody Two-Shoes on a July morning two years ago and found guilty at Oxford Magistrates' Court after a recent five-day trial.

The Elite Wehrmacht Sergeant of the Elite Wiltshire Miniature Wehrmacht Battalion will be sentenced on Tuesday, 7th September 2010 when he faces up to six months in jail.

The Elite Wehrmacht Sergeant of the Elite Wiltshire Miniature Wehrmacht Battalion, will probably be able to consider the Raoul Moat early release from jail scheme, as outlined by Andrew Bridges, the Chief Inspector of Probation earlier this year.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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