Nick Clegg's days as deputy prime-minister are numbered. In fact his days are numbered full stop after the queen issued a warrant for his execution.
Apparently Her Majesty had been playing drinking games with David Cameron and Russell Brand (don't ask!) during a particularly boozy lunch. They started playing the drinking game "Shag, marry or push off a cliff" - where you are given the names of three individuals and you have to say which one you would sleep with, marry one of them and push one of them off a cliff.
Apparently Cameron gave the Head of State the options of George Osborne, Vince Cable and Nick Clegg. The queen spent some thinking about it and then said:"Well that George Osborne is a bit of a dish - one wouldn't mind a bit of fiscal action with him one supposes. Then Mr Cable is a lovely reliable man - with a nice sense humour. So I suppose that one would want to push Mr Clegg off the cliff." She burped and giggled and nudged the PM - "Would solve a problem or two - eh?"
Unfortunately for Mr Clegg, the Lord Chamberlain had wandered in at that particular moment and witnessed the Queen's last comment. Being a particularly literal man, but lethally also very efficient - he put in place all of the necessary procedures to have Mr Clegg arrested and locked up in the Tower of London. The deputy PM will tomorrow be taken to Dover where he will be pushed off the White Cliffs in keeping with the Queen's wishes.
Clegg is characteristically upbeat about his fate. "If this is what I have to do to stay in power then so be it. My pointless death makes a whole lot more sense than us supporting the watered down banking regulations the tories have put suggested."