Hogwarts, the exclusive school for wizards and witches, is to be closed after it failed an inspection by OFSTED, the educational watchdog, this week.
A spokesperson said: "We saw appalling breaches of health and safety as well as a complete lack of awareness of the demands of the national curriculum. Children seem to be in constant danger from all manner of threats - both from within the institution and external. We also saw certain pupils being relied upon to routinely save the school from disaster, destruction and death."
Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Education and a previous pupil at Hogwarts said: "It is deeply sad that a school that has been a source of good for so many years should have fallen into such a shabby state of repair. We will be putting it under special measures immediately. We need someone who is strong, can take decisions that are unpopular and has the stamina to go on for as long as is necessary. I am therefore very pleased to announce the appointment of Mr Vol de Mort as acting headmaster."