Written by Nick Hobbs
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Tuesday, 31 August 2010

image for Isle of Wight To Face Possible Defence Cuts
A big-ass tank, not headed for the Isle of Wight.

The Strategic and Defence Security Review is eagerly awaited by many armed forces personnel, as it appears massive cuts are to be made across the defensive board.

Not least of those awaiting its results are the twenty strong Armed Response Unit based on the Isle of Wight.

As the islands only form of defence against attackers from all directions, Bob Grundy, commanding officer of the unit, spoke to us of his concern.

"At present we have a fairly strong team, we train every Wednesday evening after bowls, We currently have two rifles, six handguns, a shotgun and a hand grenade, more than enough to make a prospective invader think again, I'm sure you'll agree!"

"As for clothing, we rotate the six pairs of camouflage oversuits twice weekly, and Terry Buttress, one of our squad, owns his own gas mask!"

The cuts however, look likely to halve their equipment, or worse still.

"We have been warned that the impact of cuts may affect us" he continued, "we had an ominous delivery of three pitch forks and a kids plastic light-sabre last Wednesday, with a note asking us to return the rifles and five of the handguns by return post for 'routine maintenance'."

"Not only that, but all ammunition was to be returned," he said, "so I can only presume that the remaining handgun is for show only!"

"In all my years, they have never asked to perform 'routine maintenance' off the island, so I'm quite worried that we'll never see the weapons back!" he told us.

The integrity and survival of the island appears to be at risk with this shocking revelation, we spoke to government spokesperson, Andrew Quinn-Berkeley-Ryman.

He told us "routine maintenance has been performed systematically for extended periods across several districts in accordance with governmental legislature, the Isle of Wight is no different, and it should not feel 'special' or, indeed, be given special dispensation, for merely being 'off shore'."

So they'll get their guns back?

"No comment."

So it seems that as long as only a giant haystack or a plastic sith-lord attacks the island, the community will be safe.

We, as do the islanders, await the report with baited, and somewhat concerned, breath.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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